Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Orange cat behavior 😂
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
starting a garage orchestra
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.