Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

I think about this a lot

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems