Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

never compromise your values

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!