Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.