me after drinking all the wine:
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Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Fidel Castro was alive?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Ummm
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job