me after drinking all the wine:
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out