me after drinking all the wine:
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.