Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.