me after eating Cheetos
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Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me checking my bank balance online.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Twitter is an abusement park.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science