me after eating Cheetos
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
ibopfufen
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.