Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.