Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker