Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

The struggle is real.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born