Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

what do you want!!!!!!!!

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it