me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
You Might Also Like
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
HR said no more nunchucks.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Don’t we all.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.