Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is why I hate group projects

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.