Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

we did it you guys we saved daylight

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

I’m dying louder than usual today.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.