Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.