me after i passed that state trooper
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People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend