me after i passed that state trooper
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2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
By Kate Hatos
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling