me after i passed that state trooper
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What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.