me after i passed that state trooper
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[at the general store]
me: one general please
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.