Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

okay run it by me one more time

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!