me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
can’t believe I got front row seats
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars