Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.