Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
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My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner