Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.