Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

just gave your address to some spiders

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.