Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

Ladies, why y’all do this?

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Monday Lisa

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.