me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”