me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
peep davidson
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night