me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
You Might Also Like
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Become ungovernable.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
when unicorns get really drunk
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.