me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
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be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.