me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
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Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
grandparents are too precious for this world
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
All right then, keep your secrets
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question