Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

Are we there yet?…

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

i really liked this one

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

I wish I could veto my bills.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods