me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth