me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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3.
4.
5.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?