Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
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[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.