Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.