me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
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A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Just a friendly reminder!
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice