Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.