Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.