Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Chicago sounds lovely.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
A huge thanks to the person that did this
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.