@KMoFlo_official

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

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@ericsshadow

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

@Hormonella

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

@UncleDuke1969

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

@reallifemommy3

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

@reczit

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

@HeyZeus666

Anyone who doesn’t believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.

@Social_Mime

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

@_elvishpresley_

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf