@KMoFlo_official

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

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@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

@bourgeoisalien

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

@Reel2Dialog2

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

@PetrickSara

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

@FredTaming

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

@mommy_cusses

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

@Try2StopME

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

@blade_funner

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!