me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
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Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“OMGJK” -atheists