me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
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7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
reduce, reuse, recycle
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.