Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

The struggle is real

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.