Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*