Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.