Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.