Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct