Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.