Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..