Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
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CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Go gym
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun