me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
seems fine
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.