me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?