Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
wish me luck lads
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Investing in beetcoin
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”