Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.