Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.