Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis