ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
We don’t deserve birds.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
wtf
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry