Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

some cats are just doing for fun!

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

Snack for election night!