Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

I march to the beat of my own dumb

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin