ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

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me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private


Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.


8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?


I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.


Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.


Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.


You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.


Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.


Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.


[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on