@Brampersandon_

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

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@MarfSalvador

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

@UncleDuke1969

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

@kelkulus

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

@DrBacos

Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

@MBittersweet25

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

@DWaitress

You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

@Marcmywords2

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

@CorkyKneivel

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

@ibid78

[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on