ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

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Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine


If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.


Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!


Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid’s nose is from allergies or not.

His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.


The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.


commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression


*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*


You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.


“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.


*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.


Applicant: 8PM.