@Brampersandon_

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

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@Social_Mime

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

@juanadog

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

@Storminika

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

@daemonic3

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

@sadvil

so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year

@TheReal_AndyMac

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

@Grommit56

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

@DaddyJew

*whispers “we should run away together” while petting the neighbor’s dog*

@isabelzawtun

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles