@SlothSlouch

Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*

Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*

- @SlothSlouch

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@ColoChiver

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

@PaperWash

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Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

@usedwigs

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

@BlindChow

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

@Gupton68

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

@GrillinChillin9

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

@NormsRespecter

Just remembered that time on here that a British person complained about how all other countries have an independence day and the United Kingdom doesn’t