Wife: Whatcha got there?
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?
*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*
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Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”
Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!
lmao this has gotta be from some Tim and Eric bit
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps