[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store