Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*

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Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.


Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL


my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great


Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”

Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!


aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff


Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.


Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins.
*opens package*
*adds water*


[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps