Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan