Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
my first dose meeting my second
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The government even made aliens boring
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year