Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
This guy’s not having it 😆
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.