Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

good morning

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Me when my alarm goes off

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here