Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

BRAKING NEWS!!

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.