Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
You Might Also Like
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Erm…
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
A dead goose is called a ghoost