Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

These are so Plastic Man-core

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.