Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.