Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Only short people can save us

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

🐠

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

The biggest mystery of our time

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

My Guy

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.