Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.