Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.