Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

☺️

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

SPLOOT

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”