me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
That’s commitment
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.