Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.