Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

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The Chosen Phew

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.