Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

A collection of me turning into random objects.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.